Today’s generation of parents seem to be facing a new challenge when it comes to parenting, and that is addressing the issue of pornography. Parents may have difficulty in believing that their child or teenager could be accessing pornography, however the reality is that pornography comes looking for them well before they come looking for it. Studies have shown that the average age of exposure to pornography is dipping lower and lower.

There could be various reasons for this - the boom in the adult entertainment industry, ruthless marketing strategies, children needing to use technology and gadgets much more at a younger age or very simply, so much more easy access to the internet.

From ages 9-11 into the teenage years, children go through maturation and sexual development, while their body is maturing physically and physiologically, there is a simultaneous natural development of their sexuality as well. The curiosity at this stage is there but the way parents handle it is very important. Instead of condemning or punishing, it helps to handle it in a sensitive manner, perhaps one on one and help children to disengage from it.

While some curiosity at this stage is natural, here are some signs that are indicative that your child may be overusing pornography or experiencing disturbances- isolation or disinterest in friends and activities, increased secrecy, acting out aggressive or sexual acts, nightmares in younger children, sexually explicit language, writings or drawings.

Here are a few things to keep in mind when in comes to your child:

Address needs for comfort and personal connection- In one way, interest in pornography could be a pleasure-seeking behaviour, as one may naturally feel arousal when exposed to imagery, however sometimes it could be a way to fulfil a need of comfort, emotional intimacy or personal connection. It may help to look at creative ways of nurturing that underlying need for your child, more hugs, getting more involved in their life, praising them more, showing more affection, checking if they are hurting about something that has happened in school etc. Teaching children to care for their emotions and express them in healthy ways can help here.

Do not encourage it- While curiosity is normal, a very young exposure to unhealthy images of sexuality has detrimental effects. Evidence indicates that pornography acts as a drug and affects the brain in the same way that any other drug does. This means that as time goes on, the person using the pornography needs more and more, and harder and harder pornography to achieve the same level of satisfaction. This means that some young people access progressively more hard-core pornography depicting violence, rape, abuse or child pornography. The images of pornography remain in the memory and brain. As the addictive pathway in the brain is stimulated, like any drug, the brain will need more of it to reach satiation.

Parents can choose to set some controls around access to the internet- For example, use of computers and laptops only in the hall or family area, where children can attend to their studies. Having an agreed upon time that phones, laptops and gadgets are turned off in the home. Setting parenting controls on the Wi-Fi, and managing correct age-appropriate settings on YouTube, Netflix accounts etc. Requiring children to ask for permission before using a gadget or device if they have an unforeseen requirement. Having some time where all gadgets in the home are switched off so that they can engage in other healthy hobbies. Teaching children these healthy ways of exercising control over their internet usage may equip them better for when they grow up and when they are eventually exposed to pornography somewhere or the other. When teenagers are kept engaged in a lot of extra-curricular activities, house-hold responsibilities and especially sports, they have very little time to browse it could reduce the temptation to watch pornography. Encouraging and rewarding these other healthy pursuits like sports, friendships, interests etc is important.

Teach children the skills and tools to manage impulses and draw boundaries - This can help them learn to deal with their emotions and impulses. For example, you may tell a child to wait until their birthday to open their gifts, or to save up their pocket money to buy the new shoes they want, teaching and modelling for them that sometimes it is tempting to give into certain impulses and desires but it is something we have control of.

Model healthy relationships- Pornography also contributes to unhealthy views of relationships, women, sexuality and intimacy that are consumeristic, depersonalized and unrealistic. Children can imbibe these ideas and impressions, as their concepts about these things are getting moulded at this stage. Therefore, it is important that a child also sees what a real healthy fulfilling relationship and gender roles look like. Parents may need to model that, talk about it and expose their children to this as well. You could use non-threatening everyday issues to talk about your values around these things, for example, an oversexualized advertisement could be an opportunity talk about what real beauty can be and importance of respecting all types of bodies.

Allow them to confide in you- Research has shown that a lot of children and adolescents experience fear or anxiety when unfortunately, first exposed to pornography from friends, online or family members pornographic content, however they tend to deal with it by themselves and do not speak about it. Therefore, having an environment where your child can come speak to you if they are struggling with pornography on any level can help. Try not to react with disgust if your child speaks to you about it, treat them with love and not shame so they learn to move healthily forward and know they can trust you and come to you for help.

Do reach out to a counsellor if there are concerns you would like to discuss.